Blind Betty

Eric’s Flying Leap of Death Into the Sandbox

My Betty is blind she can not see
that's OK cause I'm ugly
I had asked her out as a dare
She gives me the creeps, her sightless stare

I tell her bout actors on TV
How they look compared to me
Scott Baio, Priestly and Brad Pitt
I lie and say they look like shit

[Pre Chorus]
My Betty’s not like Pamela Lee
missing her right leg at the knee
Her teeth are black, she has no hair
She bites her nails, I don’t care

[Chorus]
Betty, Betty, she is blind
Hook for a hand but oh so kind
Betty, Betty, she can’t see
Did I mention her colostomy?
Betty, Betty, has no sight
Making love, turn out the lights

My sex life is sad I must confess
Buttery, an awful mess
For she thinks I have a huge knob
When I use a corn on the cob

But of late I have gone astray
met this new girl the other day
Lives down the road, her name is Steph
She's not only blind, but also deaf

[Pre Chorus]
My Betty’s like Sammy Davis
With an eye made of crystal glass
Crossed with Ernest Borgnine
Modern-day Bride of Frankenstein

[Chorus]
Betty, Betty, she is blind
Hook for a hand but oh so kind
Betty, Betty, she can’t see
Did I mention her colostomy?
Betty, Betty, has no sight
Making love, turn out the lights
 

The Family B

The Norwegian Gay Wank

Dad's an alcoholic, sells used cars
When he’s passed out, his wife’s the local whore
Young’un has a lisp, can’t speak properly

Dad's on the couch, bottle by his side
Mom’s on her back, her legs are open wide
Casey is three but pronounces it “free”

[Chorus]
It’s the Family B
I better not tell you their whole name
They might sue me if I put them to shame
It’s the Family B
Rick, Jan, Eric and Casey
Live on the street across from me
It’s the Family B
I better protect their privacy
And not reveal their identity
It’s the Family B
B.J.O.R.N.D.A.H.L
Shhhh, I’m not supposed to tell

Dad's hungover, pull the curtains shut
Mom’s being spit-roasted, truly a slut
Jim gives the little one an airplane ride

Dad picks up the phone, another crank call
I’m across the street, second floor hall
I’ll ring him again when he lies down

[(Chorus]
It’s the Family B
I better not tell you their whole name
They might sue me if I put them to shame
It’s the Family B
Rick, Jan, Eric and Casey
Live on the street across from me
It’s the Family B
I better protect their privacy
And not reveal their identity
It’s the Family B
B.J.O.R.N.D.A.H.L
Shhhh, I’m not supposed to tell
 

Are you sitting comfortably?
Then we’ll begin. . .

Sit in your swivel chair
And start to spin real slow
Put your feet up in the air
How far you willing to go?

Reach between your thighs
From the front not the back
Don’t forget the K.Y.
Slip a finger in your crack

One knuckle maybe two
It might be a bit sore
Your fingernail in pooh
You know you want more

With your hand that is free
Grab your cock, masturbate
Spin your chair all the degrees
And tickle your prostate

(mosh)
The Norweigen Gay Wank
Is a new way to spank
You don’t have to be gay
To give yourself a lay
With a finger in your bum
You’ll have a big cum
Think of Tom Selleck
It’ll feel fantastic

The Norweigen Gay Wank
Is the real deal, not a prank
Tried and tested by Vikings
It’ll be to your liking
Its mano-a-mano
By yourself, not a homo
Although if you want to
Ask a buddy to help you
 

(Thank God For) Catholic High School Girls

She Wants To Fuck A Clown

Pleated tartan skirt, hair in pigtails
Pierced bellybutton, black painted nails
Front row of algebra, legs spread wide
Teacher’s got wood, wants to be inside

Mr. Smith can’t hide his erection
Fourth time this week she gets detention
Stapler and hole-punch pushed to one side
Time to teach this girl how to divide

[Chorus)]
Cause she’s a Catholic High School Girl
Down on her knees, begging for cheese
Cause she’s a Catholic High School Girl
Doing the football team, home and away
Cause she’s a Catholic High School Girl
A 7th grader’s wet dream

High School’s out, its only 5 days a week
At Sunday School, gobbling the priest
Blow the Father, say 10 Hail Marys
Swallow that wafer with Holy Gravy

Extracurricular activities
An excuse to do as she pleases
Basketball coach in the changing room
The girl’s tongue, deep inside coach’s poon

[Chorus]
Cause she’s a Catholic High School Girl
Down on her knees, begging for cheese
Cause she’s a Catholic High School Girl
Doing the football team, home and away
Cause she’s a Catholic High School Girl
A 7th grader’s wet dream

[Outro]
High school math was never quite like this
Miss Brown never asked me to suck her tits
Applied myself, got my degree
I’m Mr. Smith, everyone respects me
Parent Teacher Association
A perfect dating situation
Gonna meet Catholic High School Girl’s mom
Try for some action, maybe a threesome
 

Bad Boy Lapointe

Log Jam

Music and Lyrics by: Jughead McAnus

There was a young boy named Bad Boy Lapointe
Continued to do nothing but disappoint
Backyard boxing, we used to play
Got the shit kicked outta him every day

Tried to slam dunk, pulled the backboard down
His dad ran out, Bad Boy was crying on the ground
His parents were slow, didn't keep their liquor guarded
Like father like son, just this side of retarded

Chorus:
We called him Bad Boy Bad Boy Bad Boy Lapointe

B.C. Lions handoffs, do you get the point?

Shit and abuse, that's all we gave

Vezina cup playoffs, couldn't make a save.

Got a new motorcross bike, pretty cool
When he rode it, he looked like a tool
Peddling peddling, hit the front brake
Flew over the handlebars, right onto his face.

Cage matches, road hockey and kite flying
all ended up with the Bad Boy crying
He was the biggest loser we'd ever seen
except for maybe Alan Rookgreen.

Rainbow teeth, family of slobs
Fat bastards, all of them were blobs
Birth control poster boy, there's no doubt
I guess in the 60's, they didn't 'pull out'.